A Short Story - Spectrum of Self
Penulis: Afifah Fayza – UKI
Finding yourself doesn’t always mean having answers, sometimes it means learning to live with the questions.
Pretty, Girly, Whatever That Means
The sound of running water echoed softly in the school bathroom. Dayu stood still in front of the mirror, staring at her own reflection. Her uniform was neat, her ribbon tied perfectly just like how everyone expected her to look. She tilted her head slightly, studying the face that stared back. Everything seemed fine, but somehow, something didn’t feel right.
She looked… like someone else.
At lunch, her friends laughed and joked around.
“Dayu, you look so pretty today!” one of them said.
“Yeah, you’re like the girliest one in class,” another added.
Dayu smiled automatically, the kind of smile that appeared before she even thought about it. But inside, the words echoed strangely. Pretty. Girly.
They didn’t sound wrong, but they didn’t sound like her either.
Trapped in Other People’s Words
Days passed, and the comments never stopped.
“You should smile more.”
“You’re such a perfect girl.”
“Boys in other classes talk about you all the time.”
She laughed them off, pretending not to care, but something kept bothering her. Why did these words feel so heavy? Why did they make her chest tight instead of happy?
At night, she scrolled through her phone, reading stories about people who felt confused about their gender or identity. The more she read, the more questions she had. None of the stories gave her the answer she was looking for only more things to think about.
She started avoiding the mirror in the morning. Every time she looked at it, it was like facing a stranger.
Latte, Confusion, and Clarity
One Saturday afternoon, Dayu decided to stop by her favorite coffee shop Renjana near her home. The smell of roasted coffee beans filled the air, warm and calming. She sat by the window, watching cars pass by, trying to quiet her thoughts.
Then she saw a familiar face Wina, a friendly alumna who used to visit the school to help with activities.
“Hey, Dayu! Long time no see,” Wina said with a smile as she joined her table.
They talked for a while about school, teachers, and random things. But then, without meaning to, Dayu said softly,
“Do you ever feel like… you don’t really know who you are?”
Wina looked at her, surprised but gentle. “Yeah,” she said after a pause. “I used to feel that way too.”
Dayu hesitated. “Everyone keeps telling me who I’m supposed to be. Pretty, girly, polite… I try to be all that, but sometimes I feel like I’m just pretending.”
Wina smiled kindly.
“You don’t have to figure it all out right now, Dayu. Identity isn’t black and white it’s a spectrum. You’re allowed to take your time.”
Embracing the Unknown
That evening, Dayu sat quietly in front of her bedroom mirror. The same face looked back at her same eyes, same smile but now it felt a little different.
She still didn’t have all the answers, but she didn’t feel scared of the questions anymore.
She took a deep breath and whispered to herself,
“It’s okay. I’ll figure it out, one step at a time.”
Then she smiled a small, real smile and the reflection smiled back.
Dayu still didn’t have all the answers, but now she knew that was okay
*****
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Cari Beasiswa buat Kuliah?
Days passed, and the comments never stopped.
“You should smile more.”
“You’re such a perfect girl.”
“Boys in other classes talk about you all the time.”
She laughed them off, pretending not to care, but something kept bothering her. Why did these words feel so heavy? Why did they make her chest tight instead of happy?
At night, she scrolled through her phone, reading stories about people who felt confused about their gender or identity. The more she read, the more questions she had. None of the stories gave her the answer she was looking for only more things to think about.
She started avoiding the mirror in the morning. Every time she looked at it, it was like facing a stranger.